My Ex Was A Cheapskate

Ring! Ring! Cheapskate Playa Gets Called Out

2005-12-12T15:22:00.000-08:00

Well, I had my semi-annual phone loss event. This time was pretty nuts, actually, because someone stole my phone and was using it! After getting 3-4 "wrong numbers" from Richmond to my Houston phone, I decided to check my minute details on-line. In the three days since my phone went missing, someone had rung up over 400 minutes-- all to Richmond and NYC phone numbers. I just missed having overage, so no financial harm was done.

Being a bit of dectective, and sort of a confrontational girl to boot, I decided to call some of the people who had been receiving calls and returning calls to my phone. I soon discovered that someone by the nickname of "Boo" had been using my phone, and that he'd been calling mostly girls, all of whom sounded about my age.

I took it upon myself to inform them all (17 of them) that if Boo could not afford his own phone, he could not afford to be talking to so many women--and by the way, he talked to one such woman for 120 minutes at 3 am on Thursday night. Oh, and by the way, I told all but one that "that woman was not you".

Within 15 minutes of chatting with Boo's "friends", I made the acquaintance of Deedee, with whom Boo had logged the most phone hours and who was, as she put it, "supposed to be Boo's main girl." She had suspected that something was going on, but trusted him. She's 23, has a young son, is "too pretty to get played" and is going to school to be a nurse. Boo is going to school to get is GED.

We talked for about an hour about everything-- and she might just be my new best friend. I decided to give Deedee the numbers that stood out--the numbers he'd talked to really late at night, the numbers he'd talked to many times, and the numbers he'd talked to the longest. She swore she'd call him soon with an update.

Soon, a man called me on a private number. He claimed not to be Boo, but to know him. Without getting too angry, he let me know that it was totally reasonable to expect that a lost phone will get hours rung up on it. "If you find a phone," he reasoned with me, "What are you supposed to do, throw it away?" He asked me to stop ruining his life. I explained to him overages cost 35 cents a minute, that I work with Autistic kids for godssake, that sometimes our actions have consequences, and this was not my problem anymore. "DEEDEE," I yelled into the phone, "IS TOO PRETTY TO GET PLAYED, BITCH!"

Shockingly, he didn't call back. Maybe, for once, one of my little lectures hit home. Ay me, Ira Glass, where is my phone tap when I need it? Also, I need all of your phone number again.

Nothing says 'Te Amo' like a 'Yo Quero Taco Bell' stuffed dog

2005-11-28T10:31:00.000-08:00

Back in 1999, I was dating an ex-coworker who definitely qualifies as a cheapskate. For Christmas, we exchanged gifts. I had debated for two weeks about what to get him. We had been officially dating for about 8 weeks, but I wanted to get him something nice, despite the brevity of our relationship and my impoverished status courtesy of graduate school. Finally, after taking a boy shopping, I decided: a lovely v-neck black merino wool sweater from Banana Republic. I couldn't afford to shop in Banana at the time, but I figured it was Christmas so I should just get it. It was gorgeous and I thought it would look fabulous on him.So we go to an early Christmas dinner at the beach. We both brought our gifts inside—where the exchange was to occur. He hands me a large shopping bag almost giddy with anticipation. Three unwrapped items were inside. A box of $1.99 chocolate covered cherries from the drug store, a used CD that I had been looking at earlier in the day, and the crowning jewel—a “Yo Quero Taco Bell” stuffed Chihuahua holding a tiny red satin heart. I fake smiled, which isn’t my strength.I then gasped as he opened my perfectly wrapped, satin bow tied, gift. I wondered if I had committed some new boyfriend gift-giving faux paux. He opened it, looked at it, feigned excitement and I promptly handed him the gift receipt. I was annoyed and crushed as I thought it was a thoughtful girlfriend gift and it was the nicest thing I could afford to get him. He was charming and convincing in telling me he loved it and would wear it when we went out next. I never saw the sweater again and was too embarrassed to ask him about it.Fast-forward to Valentine’s Day. He picks me up for our date and is wearing a Raider’s sweatshirt which I find terribly tacky and couldn’t resist asking about where he had obtained it. He said someone bought him an ugly sweater for Christmas but he didn’t know where the store was that it came from so he exchanged it with his cousin for two Raider’s sweatshirts. He proudly attested to the 2 for 1 deal he managed to negotiate and waited for me to chime in to champion his successes as well. By this point in our short-lived relationship, other problems had emerged showing me that our fate was sealed, so I said nothing. Later I actually regretted not telling him he was a cheap bastard who probably got screwed on his two for one deal.

At The Beep, Please Leave A Message...

2005-11-22T10:03:00.000-08:00

Oh my god. I saw your site and I just had to write about my now ex-boyfriend. We knew each other for 14 years and were the best of friends before we started dating. I was unemployed and he had a contract job that he needed my help on. He said he'd pay me $1,000.00 for the work. I completed my work and he came out to stay with me for a month. As soon as he got in I asked, "Where is my money?" He writes me a check for $600.00. He said he had to keep the rest for taxes. I saidm, "So you know I have no money and you're going to keep the rest of my money?" He looks away all uncomfortable but refuses to give me the rest of my money. THEN he has the nerve to try to have sex with me. Needless to say, I 86'ed him. He asked me why I broke up with him on his answering machine. I told him because he is a damn cheapskate and I didn't want to waste my long distance money actually talking to him. By the way - he was cheap with everything. His expensive house was falling apart because he was too cheap to fix anything. He tried to fix a leak on his roof himself to save money and water ended up leaking into his house and costing him more money to fix. Thanks for letting me vent.

Magic Kingdom Fills Court Clown/Jester Position

2005-11-22T09:52:00.000-08:00

My husband is so friggin' cheap, he just makes me want to puke!! Yesterday, we went to Disneyland for my birthday. My husband had to stop at the ATM before we got on the road. He turned to me and asked me how much money I had on me. I told him I had $15.00 dollars. He had a stupid and puzzled expression on his face. This clown had the nerve to ask me how I was getting into Disneyland. I said "Well, it's my birthday weekend, aren't you paying?" He told me no, he could only afford to pay for his own ticket!!! Naturally, I was outraged. He said, "I can't believe you're getting all bent out of shape over this." I tried to explain to this totally clueless man, that when a wife tells her husband that she wants to go someplace for her birthday, and he agrees to take her, there is an unspoken assumption that HE is going to pay!! That is, if he's a real man!! Anyway, we get into this huge arguement. My cheap ass husband tried to turn the tables on me by saying that we need more communication in our relationship, and if we had talked about this beforehand, there wouldn't have been any misunderstanding on my part. Can you BELIEVE that crap?!!! The ONLY understanding that I have is that he's CHEAP, CHEAP, CHEAP!!!!!!! After we got to Disneyland, I ended up paying for the parking, as well as my own ticket to get in. Thank goodness I always have my ATM card. The tickets were only $56.00. He knew when my birthday was coming, so he's without excuse. His birthday is in a few months, and I'm going to make it my business to outcheap HIM!!!!!!! Cheap Jerk!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jersey boys have some 'xplaining to do

2005-08-18T11:35:00.000-07:00

About 6 years ago I met this fella named Joel from New Jersey at the Philadelphia Folk Festival. We dated for a while long distance and for Christmas exchanged gifts. I was totally caught up on this guy and wanted to impress him with how GREAT my taste in gifts were.

I got him a leather bound, first edition, SIGNED copy of "Bagombo Snuff Box" by none other than Kurt Vonnegut and a set of pint glasses for his new house.

I received the following: (I WISH I was kidding...)
A used CD by Wanderlust
A paperback FROM HIS BOOKSHELF on meditation
His favorite t-shirt

I was honestly sick to my stomach and wanted to steal the book back before I left. I can't believe he could ACTUALLY accept the gift I gave him, knowing he had given me HEARTLESS crap in return. Creep.

Avid Diver Fails to Find Love in a Dumpster

2005-07-20T09:07:00.000-07:00

My ex would never buy anything new. Actually, he wouldn't even buy anything used. It's not that he didn't make enough money, because he made plenty. He just didn't want to spend it. He was so cheap all of the furniture in his apartment was either mine or something he found. The worst of it was his couch. He had found by a dumpster and it was the crappiest couch ever. Well, he always had to sit in "his spot" on the couch and I had to sit on the other side. One day his side of the couch broke. What did he do? Took my side and made me sit in the broken spot! Ugh.

When I came to get my stuff a few months after we broke up, the couch was completely broken and he was sitting in a chair... that he found by the dumpster.

DIRTYWEEKENDERS in BITCH MAGAZINE!

2005-07-12T08:02:00.000-07:00

Thas rite! Bitch Magazine - Feminist Response to Pop Culture, one of the three pillars in the triumvirate of awesome women's magazines (BUST, VENUS and BITCH) published our article on Page 18 of their Summer 2005 issue. It's titled, 'The Seven Deadly Cliches of Sin City'.

We're not only outing cheapskates - we're outing Robert Rodriguez and Frank Miller for perpetuating tired cliches about power and relationships between men and women.

Man Decides on Definition of Independant Woman

2005-06-23T11:16:00.000-07:00

My ex, Mike, was really anal about money from the get-go. He kept harping on how it's the 21st century and how an Independant Woman should be able to pay her way. We always went Dutch on everything. Sometimes I even just flat out paid cos I didn't want to be figuring out a bill at IHOP! We dated for a little over a month. After we broke up, he sent me a letter that detailed all he had spent on me, flowers, cards, gas, prime time cell phone minutes---everything. I sent him a bill back which quadrapuled his and included all the expenses on my part for our dates; outfits I bought, make-up, nails, primping time etc. as well as the additional costs that I incurred at my sister's couch getting advice. Needless to say, I never heard from him again.

Drive-Thru Depreciation

2005-06-13T19:01:00.000-07:00

From Christine.

Wait a second -- does your husband KNOW about your blog???

***

"I am a very generous person. Since, dear readers, you don't know me, you'll just have to take my word for it. I give liberally to charity, overtip and spoil my family members with expensive gifts. I love spending money. Fortunately, I do have some self control and manage to save an acceptable portion of my income before I do my on line shopping or splurge on the latest Prada accessory.

My husband John and I do not share money which I have mentioned before. As his contribution to the household, he pays the utilities each month. Mainly because I refuse to support him totally. It is the principal of the thing.

Anyway, John benefits greatly from my generous spirit and love for spending and gift giving. Not only do I feed and cloth him, I have given him thousands of dollars worth of music equipment and paid for expensive vacations. On occasion, this practice does make me a bit bitter. Especially when it is just assumed that I am picking up the check every where we go. Last night to celebrate my daughter's kindergarten graduation (yea Anna!!), we went to dinner at a nice seafood restaurant in town. As we were driving, I mentally decided that John was picking up the tab for the nights festivities.

"Are you ready to order" inquired the server glancing at me.

"Yes, John replied. "I will have the lobster tail with a side of crap legs, a side salad with blue cheese dressing and can I see a wine list?"

I bend over and whisper to John, "I didn't bring my wallet so dinner's on you tonight". Okay so I lied, sue me.

"Ummm, waiter, I changed my mind, I will have the fish and chips and water with lemon" John corrected rapidly.

"And Madam, have you decided?"

"Yes, I will have what he originally ordered, that sounded delicious".

Bargain Basement Boom Box & Tawdry Teddy

2005-06-13T18:50:00.000-07:00

An addendum to S.'s post:

"I'm the one whose ex-husband took me to Burger King on our wedding day. I also should've mentioned that while we were dating, he only gave me stolen gifts. He worked at the ship store on the navy boat. He stole me a teddy bear and a cd walkman. For Christmas, he had his friend charge a boom box for me on his credit card and he never paid him back. A few months later, he wanted me to give it back because his friend was bugging him, Instead, I carved my initials in it and told him "Oh sorry, I don't think he can return it.".

***

Now, us Dirty Weekenders wish we could say, "Oh, we would have never put up with that!" and stick our little noses in the air. But we DID. Both of us. So dear readers, please do not fall into the same traps that some of the best of us do. Ditch these decidely dud-like dudes before they squeeze every last penny out of you and damage your self respect!

Her Cheap Ex Husband

2005-06-13T18:45:00.000-07:00

From S: Ex-husbands count too, right?

Dirty Weekenders: Hell yeah they count. Exs of any variety (and also, any gender) count!

Her sad tale:

"Let me tell you about our wedding day. First of all, he only married me because he was in the Navy and he wanted to make the extra money- of which I never saw a dime. On our wedding day, we both worked. Around 5 pm, we had a minister and his wife as a witness come to our apartment to marry us. We didn't tell any family or friends. After we were married, the cheap son of a bitch took me to BURGER KING for a 99cent whopper. I'm not kidding you. Then, the next day, he had to leave on a 2 month cruise. I had just moved to Virginia to be with him and I had no job yet, or friends or family there. He stocked the cabinets with things like ramen noodles and rice and beans, and he left me with FIVE dollars for anything else I might need for two months! I wasn't allowed to use his precious car. I had to walk up the highway and apply for jobs until I found one. He never paid for us to get the phone turned on, so I had to go to a payphone everyday and call to see if I was hired. I had to bring Ramen noodles to work everyday for lunch and eat rice and beans until I received my first paycheck 2 weeks later. Oh, I could go on and on, but that's the best example of how cheap he was. I'm proud to call him my EX-husband!"

A Cheap Musician Boyfriend? NO WAY!

2005-06-09T19:12:00.000-07:00

Ah, musicians...on with the drummer jokes.

From our friend, Janet:

"My ex, who is a solo musician and artist in Chicago and 39 when we were dating, was a total cheapskate. We always split the bill every time we went out to eat, which was fine with me, but this one time we were at a restuarant and I put down a twenty, and he said, "Thanks for dinner." Just like that. Like he assumed that I was paying. Then he decided to be nice and take me out -- to Popeye's for $3.99 fried chicken. It was good, and we went back to his place to wind down. He asked me for a back rub and I told him "Later." Then, he raised his eyebrow and reminded me that he paid for dinner. I stopped taking his calls not too long after that."

Give Us Some Luv, Ya'll!

2005-06-08T12:15:00.000-07:00

Did I say something wrong? Is it me? Do I smell funny? Seriously – we need your stories. I mean, we’ve had bad stuff happen to us, but we want to hear from YOU! We’re bored! Send us tales of woe, ladiez! Oh, we know you have them. Don't lie to us!
Email us at excheapskate@yahoo.com

Cows? Milk? What?

2005-05-27T05:53:00.000-07:00

Book Recommendation: The Bitch In The House, Edited by Cathi Hanauer

This collection of essays on motherhood, marriage and relationships has a nice chunk of writing on the negotiation of living situations and financial relationships with boyfriends who don’t pay the rent. I found it, for the most part, a well-written and insightful book overall. Worth checking out. Here’s a sample:

From Veronica Chambers “Getting the Milk For Free”:

“For all intents and purposes, we were living together. But he never paid rent or contributed to the food bills or utilities.

In retrospect, I can see how it might seem that I was blatantly being bamboozled. But the fact was that my boyfriend was very sweet and not the least bit conniving. He could barely pay the rent on his own apartment; his parents frequently chipped in to prevent eviction. So how, I asked myself, could I ask him to contribute to – much less split – my own sizable rent? I love him, I would remind myself. I was him to eat my food and spend each night with me. So I offered everything and asked for nothing and told myself that I was being the perfect girlfriend.

The truth is that I never knew how to ask him for what I wanted, for what was fair. The only thing I knew to do with a man was what I’d learned from my parents: to fight or not fight. I had no idea how to craft a partnership beyond that one basic thing. What’s more, discussing finances of asking for help around the house seemed very minor compared to the Important Things. My boyfriend didn’t hit me, he didn’t yell at me. What more could I ask? The only thing taking a beating was my checking account.

Of course, after a while, it all came around; by underwriting our relationship so drastically, I wasn’t giving my boyfriend a chance to be my partner and I began to resent the imbalances…He reminded me that our living together, as it was, was my idea. He said he wouldn’t clean my apartment because he had his own apartment/studio to worry about. He wouldn’t pay for risotto and top of the line Parmesan; at his apartment, he reminded me, he ate Kraft Macaroni and cheese and that was just fine….If I wanted to enjoy certain things, I had to pay for them…”

Save Money, Take Spit-Baths

2005-05-25T08:46:00.000-07:00

Thanks to our sweet-smellin' pal for sending this in!

I was engaged to my high school sweetheart for a year. He was stationed at Cherry Point and I lived about 3 hours away and would visit on the weekends. During the week we would talk on the phone; one day I call and get a disconnect message. When I next spoke to him I asked what happened and he told me he couldn’t pay the bill. I asked why and he replied “the Marine Corps doesn’t pay me enough”. Um, yeah, okay.

During one of my visits I’m taking a shower and I realize there’s no soap. So I call out to him to get me a bar and he says he's out of soap. Out of soap? He asked, “Do you really need soap?” Um, YEAH! I demanded that he find me some soap and he returns with a bottle of dishwashing liquid. Just what the hell was HE using to bathe during the week???

The last straw came at Christmas. He gave me this spiel about being broke and he was so sorry and I told him that Christmas wasn’t about the gifts but the thought so it was okay. He still wanted to get me something so he got me a Def Leppard t-shirt for $9.99. We then went into a music store and he plunked down $99 CASH for a new guitar pedal. His excuse? “I need this; I sound like shit!”

Between his poor budgeting skills, him continually getting money from his mom and his thoughtlessness I ended the relationship and gave him his ring back

Occupation: Being champions

2005-05-23T12:20:00.000-07:00

Oh yes, friends. We have freaking ARRIVED.

We'd like to thank *sniff* our families, friends, our lame ex's for giving us such great material to write about, Bust magazine and its readers and everyone else who has made this honor possible.

http://www.bust.com/girlweb/Ratings/

Thanks everyone!

xoxo
Bella & Bella
the dirtyweekenders

Grave Robber

2005-05-23T08:33:00.000-07:00

I dated this guy for about 6 months. We occasionally went out to dinner (3 times !!!!), and even went to a movie. Once. Well, he rented a movie and we watched it at my house. I was finished wasting my time and decided to have a heart to heart with him about how women like to receive flowers on occasions or a card to just simply say "Thinking Of You". The next week he had planned an actual date with me. Dinner AND a movie. Wow! He told me that he would be at my house at 4:30 and arrived 30 minutes late. I saw him getting out of the car and noticed he had flowers. As I stood in the doorway watching him come up the walkway I began to cry...tears of joy that he had thought of me. I pulled the card off of the arrangement. The card read "With our deepest sympathy, signed XXXXX". Looking in the local newspaper last year I read his wedding announcement...two months later his fathers obituary. Hmmm....I wonder if his new wife received flowers that day.

All Money, No Class

2005-05-20T12:32:00.000-07:00

I have many stories about my ex-boyfriend, (Prince Fancy Lad), but this is my favorite.

We'd been dating 7 months when he took me out for my 25th birthday. He'd already given me a present-a sweatshirt-that I guess was kind of sentimental because it was exactly like the one I always wore at his apartment. Still, not very romantic. So we go to this restaurant, which is fine, but nowhere special. Low-priced food, etc. Since I'm not a gold-digger, I didn't think much of it. Then he gave me another present- a book. Ok. But then he was really quiet, so I asked him what he was thinking about, and he said, "How much all of this is costing me." Asshole!

His family is royalty in Thailand, he has the largest savings account of anyone under 50 that I know of, and his parents funded his graduate school studies. Give me a break! I broke up with him two days later.

You Don't Bring Me Flowers...

2005-05-16T19:28:00.000-07:00

...You don't sing me love songs. Well, that's what Willy would say anyway. Check out this tale of woe from our friend, J:

I ran into my ex-cheapskate last weekend. It was a rough breakup but I've
come to terms. He wanted to let me know how much I had taught him about
the little things in a relationship (he has a new victim...). I asked,
"What kind of little things?" "Oh, you know...just little suprises to let
her know I'm thinking of her." Trying not to smack him (this is a man
who "forgot" my b-day, x-mas, valentines, and cheated on me to cap
off our one-year anniversary.  Needless to say there was no second)
I asked "Like what?" He said, "Well, I was grocery shopping the day
after Mother's  Day, and there were all these discount flowers, so
I got her some." He is looking at me like a four year old that finally
got the hang of potty training. "So you got your girl discount flowers?" 
He faltered, "Yeah, I mean they weren't dying or anything, and hey what's
wrong with saving money AND making her happy?" I inquire if he is going
to marry her. He isn't sure, but then informs me she let him move in with
her, allowing him to rent out his house and make money off their rela-
tionship.  Then he asked me to buy him a beer, and let me know her
house is worth a half-million. I bought him the beer out of nostalgia
and wished him well.

Take off the love-goggles! That isnt the sparkle of love in his eyes,
it's little dollar signs! It's nice when you get past the hurt and
just see them for the ex-cheapskates they are.

VOTE FOR US ON BUST!

2005-05-16T09:57:00.000-07:00

Excheapskate is the Editor's pick on Bust Magazine's Web site! Thassss riiite! Just look at the first page of the site: www.bust.com

If you want to show us your love, vote for us! Go to the link below and click on Rate It and give it up for the dirtyweekenders.

http://www.bust.com/cgi-bin/links/search.cgi?query=excheapskate

xoxo

My Space!

2005-05-16T08:29:00.000-07:00

Please join our My Space Friends List!!!

http://www.myspace.com/myexwasacheapskate

The Ghost Of Christmas Present(s)

2005-05-16T08:26:00.000-07:00

This last story inspired me to write my own, which isn’t as funny, but perhaps puts an interesting spin on the “cheapskate” moniker because my cheapskate ex accused me of being a cheapskate. Christmas was, for my ex and I, the final nail in the coffin of an already waning relationship. I was in Europe (on tour) for three weeks and got home December 26th. Because space, time and money where quite limited while I was on tour, I bought a bunch of small gifts that I felt were thoughtful from the different countries I had visited.

Obviously, not being home, I wasn’t able to go through the more strenuous holiday preparations I went through in previous years – something I always enjoyed. In my absence, my ex had, to my surprise, really put a lot of effort in decorating. He bought a tree, put up lights and wrapped presents. I was shocked as this wasn’t really the type of stuff he normally did. But I was impressed. After all those years when I made the effort, I felt like he was getting it! He was doing something nice for me! Everything seemed fine.

About two weeks later, after a fight – about what I no longer remember (though most likely about him not cleaning the house…ever), he wrote me a long letter in which he detailed what he felt all my transgressions for the past two years of the relationship. I don’t know if this was just a running list in his head or if he had been keeping notes, but just about everything from my appearance to wrong things I had said years ago were covered. But the worst thing about this letter was that he had felt that my Christmas gifts didn’t match up to his – that he was “disappointed” in the money and time I had spent. When I mentioned that I had been out of town for the entire previous month, he said that I should have planned in advance for that. When I mentioned that I had, for the four previous years put an incredible effort into Christmas and his birthday, while I felt he had shown considerably less interest in mine – that didn’t matter. For the first time in the relationship, he had spent more money than I and he didn’t like it! And all this after years of letting me cook, do the housework, schedule and pay for plumbers, electricians, insurance and repairs to the house he was living in (while allowing him to pay ¼ of the cost of living there). I felt so insulted that I had been called a cheapskate…by the damned cheapskate!

Well, everything went downhill from there. We never recovered from that – and thank god too. I realized shortly after the breakup that I had dodged a bullet. In the following year and a half, I met a wonderful man who is a caring and equal partner, both emotionally and financially. People, don’t underestimate yourself and don’t settle for less. If it feels wrong to you, it probably *is* wrong. Get out while you can.

Screwed by a Scrooge

2005-05-11T08:14:00.000-07:00

MUCH LUV and THANKS TO MORAG_EYRIE FOR THIS STORY:

I enjoy your blog- feels good to know I'm not the only otherwise strong intelligent woman who fell for a wanker. This guy I will call Mr. Rabbit, because he and his ex-girlfriend (theone before me) call each other Mr. and Mrs. R., and the R stands forRabbit.

Mr. Rabbit made clear well before Christmas that he was terrified of buying me bad gifts, and could I tell him what I wanted? My first response was"What? You want me to do the emotional labour of thinking about your gifts, and gifts for everyone else I'm buying for, and do YOUR emotional labour too?" It should be noted that at this time I was also spending an inordinate amount of time trying to sort out contraception because Mr. Rabbit refused to learn to wear a condom - an outrageous thing in this day and age for a man of nearly40. (Don't worry- I never had unsafe sex with him in the end).

I relented a bit as Christmas approached though, and gave him clear guidelines on what NOT to buy for a woman: 1. No sexy lingerie 2. No kitchen stuff 3. No football team merchandise (unless she's an avid fan and it's merchandise for her team). I asked him if he could see the common link between the three. He couldn't. I told him "Because they are all about YOU! Sexy lingerie to turn you on in bed, kitchen stuff to cook for you, and, well, need I go on?" I also dropped some massive hints and mentioned specifically: Johnny Cash Live at San Quentin DVD, a watch, a purse....I reassured him that I didn't mean an expensive watch or purse...just anything funky, glittery, colourful, unusually shaped...such can often be had for around £10.

Now, we were in fact getting on really well in the month leading up to Christmas- he'd visited Glasgow and we'd had a fantastic time- I was really starting to fall for this guy. I bought him some nice presents: a portable DVD player, a fluffy dressing gown from his football team's website (he needed one), a book he'd expressed an interest in reading, some chocolate body paint for us to play with, a box of really special chocolates. I got: a plastic cat keychain, two rubber duckies to play with in the bath (I guess), one of those little wooden cats with the long tailthat you put your rings on at night (I already have one, which he has seen by my bed), Aveda body wash, and the final and appalling indignity: a Joss Stone CD.

Mr. Rabbit only likes techno, and so probably thinks there is someconnection between commercial, soul-less white soul sung by a16-year-old pretending to have life experience (I don't evenparticularly like GOOD soul music) and the kind of music I like. Buthe knows how ignorant he is in this area and his flatmate has the same taste as me, so he could've asked him.

He said we could go out shopping and exchange it and that if what I wanted was more expensive, he would pay the difference. When we went shopping to exchange the CD, he shopped for a stereo amp for himself- generally looking in the £250-£300 range.

We got to the bit of Brighton known as "The Lanes" which is where there are alot of very funky and wonderful shops… but he whizzed through thesewith me trailing behind, having palpitations at all the great shops Iwas missing. When I did try to stop, he acted so impatient it wasn't much fun. We finally got to the record shop and I was feeling rather low and cold from traipsing round while he shopped only for himself. He gave me the receipt for the CD- so I saw that it had been incredibly cheap. I assumed this was another rushed visit so went straight in and bought the first CD I found– it was £6 more than the Joss Stone CD- something which would have been blindingly obvious to him when I showed him what I'd chosen, but he let me pay the extra myself. He came over to me with a great find: my favourite film by my favourite filmmakers (Miller'sCrossing by the Coen Brothers) on DVD with special extras, on sale! My face must've really lit up- the perfect gift for me! Then it sunk inthat he was buying it for himself. I swallowed my disappointment and asked where he'd got it, saying I wanted one too. He said: "It's the last one."

As he went to buy it I felt tears welling up and went outside to get it together- not quickly enough because he came out and demanded to know why I was tearful. So, after we had all that out when we got home, he said we could go back to The Lanes on the 2nd Jan. and shop there properly and that I could get a nice extra Christmas gift there. We went out on the 2nd and again looked for stereo amps for him. He slowed down a bit and I got to go into a few shops- there was a comics shop where I found the first 4 issues of the new Love and Rockets, and showed them to him. Nothing. Bought them myself. Went over to a rack he was looking at and found the graphicnovel In the Shadow of No Towers, Art Spiegelman's lauded depiction of September 11th. I picked it up and made a big show of ooh-ing andaah-ing. "So this is the kind of thing you like then?" said he. "Yes, " said I. Nothing. All I heard from him that first week in January was a complaint that it had cost him £35 to speak to me from Budapest. He still owed me £80 for the contraceptives I was forced to buy because he won't use a condom, plus I had my own mobile phone charges for those calls. So then, reader, I dumped him.

I've heard all the stories in the (British) media and from women about how terrible men are at buying gifts,how they can't help it, it's hard wired, etc. Crap. It's not hardwired - it's all about empathy and putting yourself in another's shoes. It's about making an effort to show someone you care about that you know them and love them. It is the thought (not the money) that counts… but that means there has to be thought. I'm not talking here about the minor fuckups we all make when gift buying, I'm talking about a serious lack of consideration for another human being. I have a male friend who acknowledges that he may have Asperger's Syndrome, and he managed to get an appropriate gift for his girlfriend for Christmas - not the most romantic of gifts- but it showed clear understanding of his partner's interests and values, and a degree of effort in the obtaining thereof.

Hope you can use this. I feel a bit silly that I didn't dump him sooner, but hey, hormones are powerful drugs.

Theme Songs For Break Ups

2005-05-10T14:18:00.000-07:00

I think if we dirtyweekenders had a theme song, it would be Holly Golightly's "You Ain't No Big Thing". Sample lyric: "I gave you all of my money, and you took every dime, I must have been crazy, out of my mind." In fact, her entire Singles Roundup album is a fabulous break up album overall. In fact, I once wrote this about it and I'm sticking to it:

"You see, there comes a time when a girl must put on her go-go boots and face the world again with a renewed sense of purpose. You ran into your ex and his new "friend," and you didn't derive even the slightest hint of satisfaction from the realization that she's totally ugly. You are so over him. The dark clouds have parted, and the pain has mostly disappeared. He's gone, and that's not just OK, it's fucking great. Well, maybe you're not that over him yet, but at least you know you're going to make it. During this final stage of grieving, blues/garage chanteuse Holly Golightly is one tough lady to have by your side. "Virtually Happy", the first song on Singles Roundup (Damaged Goods), is one of the finest break up songs of the decade. Golightly vengefully intones, "Feels like a God has come over me/And made the pain you paid me with ease/ And there's hope/And there's more for me/I ain't ashamed to say/I believe/ That if I ever had you back again/Just long enough to get you back and then/ I'd be virtually happy". It's clear that she's a dame to be reckoned with, though never embarrassed to own up to her mistakes. She doesn't waste time with a lament and neither should you. Get off your ass and talk to that cutie across the room, dammit."

The Best Break Up Advice...EVER!

2005-05-09T20:15:00.000-07:00

Thought we'd share some great advice from a dirty weekender Mom:

>From: "XXX"
>Reply-To: ""X"
>To: "XXX"

>continuation -
>
>Do not dwell on past. PLAN, AND CONCENTRATE ON
>KEEPING YOU SELF BUSY, USE YOUR TIME WISELY., meet
>other people. He is not worth your time anymore -
>don't think if I have done this, this wouldn't have
>happened -wrong thinking! He is the bad one. He can
>crawl hands and knees I won't take him back. He is
>bad seed. It's in his genes. Think positive it didn't
>prolong. Love mom